By: Michael Lilborn Williams
It’s been over 20 years now.
My life was being ripped, shredded and literally torn apart once again.
How do I accept who and what I am? What will happen to my family, my wife and our three young girls? I was being persuaded with such wonderful truth about the Gospel. When would it come erupting unbridled from the depths of my own heart?
When would the truth about Mike Williams finally come out?
My prayers and confessions of sheer desperation went unheeded by God. For the very first time in my struggle, I could not escape through yet another stay in the mental institution or by the repeated introductions and invitations to the stage as a “delivered” homosexual or America’s foremost authority on “demonology”.
Reaching out and reaching up had run its course for good this time.
In the midst of all of this, I found myself driving back from another meeting. Still in my suit after stopping at Taco Bell with an extra large Pepsi held cautiously between my legs, I drove. I felt like I was literally coming apart on the inside. The inner-conflict I experienced during that day’s meetings I felt could not be hidden to the eye. I felt like it must have been like seeing a dirty bum on a filthy street corner pretending he was in a suit of armor at the moat of his castle waiting for the bridge to be lowered.
As I reached to pick up the Pepsi it suddenly exploded in my lap as the top collapsed out of its unsecured plastic lid! The Pepsi was not only icy, cold and wet but it had to stay there for the entire three hour trip home because I had no other clothes with me.
Looking back it was as if a conductor was standing poised with wand raised in hand ready to release his orchestra to play. The only problem was that when the wand was dropped in a circular deliberate motion to commence, the orchestra was not ready. And all that was heard was a primal scream and a cry that came ripping out of me from the deepest part of my being. It suddenly had nothing to do with the frosty liquid all over me. It was that my life that was spilling out in gushes all over myself.
Torrents of rage, confusion and anguish exploded out of me. Like the Pepsi all over me, I realized I had no choice but to sit in it, all of it—my mess, MY LIFE! I had no one to turn to, nothing to pray about, nothing to do but to finally accept this royal mess. The suit of armor vanished. The castle evaporated before my eyes. No bridge to be lowered. The next step was simply into a dark deep trench. And I was about to tilt right over its precarious edge, already in filthy clothes.
Without any prompting these words came unrestricted from within me. “Send the song! Please send the song! Let this all make sense! Like Elton John singing Good Bye Yellow Brick Road, please let the Gospel come out like a beautiful symphony from someone worthy to carry it!”
As these words came almost involuntarily from my mouth as the screams and crying muddled my speech. I knew everything had changed.
Now I knew that reaching inside me was my only option. I had reached “up and outside myself” my whole life, swatted every fly, stomped every viper, head butted every obstacle, rebuked every devil and nothing had changed for Mike Williams.
For the very first time in my life I reached inside.
Now, after more than 20 years, I keep on finding treasure in this earthen vessel. I find “other” things in there, too! LOL! Ya know what I mean? But now I know how to sort them. Sorting is one of the keys to happiness! Do ya know what I mean?
And, oh, can you hear it? The orchestra seems ready to begin! Seats, instrument and music stands are getting situated! There’s a hush over the crowd! I am sure I just heard the tap, tap, tap of the maestro’s baton…
Each and every one of you has had the “Pepsi” explode in your lap, too.
Now enjoy what’s coming out of you! I can hear it. And I love it and I love YOU!
Michael Lilborn Williams