Designation of the Enemy Within

For many years I assumed that enemies were external. Religious systems certainly provided plenty of candidates. The world, the flesh, the devil, demons, temptations, negative influences, and people standing in the way of God’s purpose all seemed to fit the category. Yet the most profound enemy created by a sacred future was none of those things.

It was me.

As a gay man raised within Christianity, I spent years pursuing a future that had been presented to me as God’s destination for my life. The destination was clear. I was supposed to become someone else. I was supposed to arrive somewhere other than where I stood. I was supposed to become what the sacred future required.

When that future became sacred, the evaluation began. Every thought, desire, feeling, and failure was measured according to its usefulness to the destination.

The destination remained sacred. Therefore the obstacle had to be identified. Eventually the obstacle became obvious. The obstacle was me.

Of course, I could not simply say that. The religious system already had another explanation. The obstacle was a demon. The obstacle was temptation. The obstacle was spiritual failure. The obstacle was rebellion. The obstacle was anything except the possibility that the destination itself had become sacred and unquestionable.

So I fought. I fought hard. For years. The depression grew. The anxiety grew. The panic attacks grew. The war intensified. Yet the destination remained untouched because sacred destinations are rarely questioned. Only the people who fail to reach them are questioned.

What made the experience even more confusing was the affirmation. People applauded the story. People cried. People thanked me. People celebrated what they believed was victory. Their affirmation became further evidence that the destination was correct and that I remained the problem.

I became both the soldier and the enemy. I became both the judge and the accused.

Looking back, I now see that the most devastating enemy created by a sacred future is often not another person. It is the person walking the journey.

Once human beings are evaluated primarily according to their usefulness to a predetermined future, designation becomes possible. Sometimes nations are designated. Sometimes religions are designated. Sometimes family members are designated. Sometimes entire groups are designated. Sometimes the person himself is designated.

The mechanism remains the same. The person does not change. The designation changes.

This realization helped me understand something much larger than my own story. The same mechanism that can transform a nation into an enemy can transform a human being into an enemy of himself. The conflict becomes internal. The war moves inward. The battlefield becomes the human mind.

This is why freedom matters. Freedom does not require a sacred destination. Freedom does not require a war against the self. Freedom does not require the constant evaluation of one’s worth according to an unfinished future.

Because righteousness has already been given in Christ, the future no longer needs to be defended as though it were a destination yet to be reached. Humanity is free to explore a horizon.

A horizon does not require enemies. A horizon does not require constant judgment. A horizon does not require a war against the self.

The person does not change. The designation changes.

And perhaps one of the deepest gifts of the gospel is that it removes the designation and allows the person to remain a person.

The Gospel Revolution  •  Mike Williams Ministries

William Ethan Massengill  •  Michael Lilborn Williams  •  Daniel Thomas Rouse

Published by Audrey Williams